Alice Brine's Survivor: Don't try too hard, that's the Kiwi way
OPINION:Survivor NZ is a real 'edge of your seat' kind of show.
I say that because within one minute of sitting down to watch it, you're already getting up to leave.
I stand by the point I made last week, Survivor NZ really is the Moon TV parody skit that should have happened but didn't. But just because the show takes itself seriously, doesn't mean I have to when I write about it.
Here is my ten-part breakdown of the grippingly dramatic events that unfolded on Survivor NZ this week.
The Survivor Stuff.co.nz quiz
In the American version of Survivor, there is a 'night time forest quiz' challenge that has been played a few times.
Jeff Probst tells an ancient story about a Cambodian king. The survivors have to listen to the whole story, without taking any notes. They run off with their torches, into the jungle and search for multi-choice questions that are hidden among the trees. It's epic and dramatic.
This week we are treated to the NZ version of 'nighttime-story-quiz-challenge.' The main difference being that the New Zealand version is is extremely half-ass and disappointing.
Rather than dramatically running through the forest with torches, the survivors don't even leave their seats. They are given a pad of 1B5 paper and a sharpie each. The host doesn't tell any kind of story, he just asks random questions like 'what colour is my hat?' and 'what is the name of this TV show?' There is literally no suspense or anticipation.
The sharpie question mark
During the aforementioned Survivor pub quiz, the cop starts to find the game increasingly difficult. The host asks everyone 'what is the name of the mountain that we are on?'
Instead of just taking a guess, the cop takes his sharpie and literally draws a question mark on his piece of paper. With a sheepish look on his face, he holds the question mark up and looks at the host like, 'Is the answer perhaps just a question mark?' Unfortunately, the name of the mountain is not '?' it is, in fact, named Motogon.
Two people are eliminated at tribal council and Barb describes this as being 'a real double bonanza,' which I couldn't have put better myself to be honest.
Barb has basically been lying in the sun not saying much for the entire show, until now. She pulls Tom aside and says 'listen kid, I'm gunna do what I can to keep you in this, just stick with me and do what I say, capisce?'
While I can't be sure that's exactly the wording she used, because she says it off camera, I can only assume that's how it went down. Barb has become the Godfather and absolutely nobody has noticed. It's hilarious.
The reason NZ has so many unsolved murder mysteries
The cop has been BFFs with Barb throughout the show. He likes to mention that he can use his excellent cop skills to "read people like a book''. He's obsessed with Shay and doesn't trust her at all. He goes on about how she's running the show and manipulating people.
The irony here is that Shay is 100 per cent harmless. Barb is the Godfather in this game and that's who the cop should really be worried about. She's right there under his nose and he still has not realised this. The irony is palpable.
If you might fail, then just don't try at all
Shannon decides to crack a coconut open by herself. The tall poppies that are her tribe members stand around watching her attempt this. Rather than encouraging her, they do what any red-blooded Kiwi does and just shut her down from the sidelines.
They roll their eyes and say things like "she looks like a bit of an idiot," and suggest that "if you're not likely to be able to achieve something then you shouldn't even try''. Shannon does crack the coconut open by herself in the end. Even though no one believed in her. She starts wearing her cap backwards after that. I have mad respect.
Last minute job
The production quality of each episode is depleting rapidly. There's a real "started editing at 3pm and finished editing at 5pm, already two beers deep on a Friday," vibe.
It was a year ago Michael, let it go
The entire premise of the show is that people vote each other out.
I can't help but feel like Michael didn't read the contract clearly enough though. Either that or he was reading it through entitled-tinted glasses. Michael gets voted out of the show. It's important to note that he's previously voted off about six other people at this point anyway.
For some reason, he just won't let it go and ends up with the most intense personal vendetta toward Shannon over it. He goes 'face to face' with her at Redemption Island and he honestly has the biggest cry. Mike, you got voted out bro, that's how the show works, sit the f... down.
Avi is having a tough time with the fact that he is trapped on an island, even though he literally and specifically signed up for that. Shannon is also bored. She says 'It feels claustrophobic at this point, like we're prisoners.' The audience watching at home feel the same way.
Jak takes all his clothes off and dances around. This is because he thinks he is funny and is playing up to the cameras in the hopes that he will be forever known as a 'real joker' to the New Zealand public. This is not the case. Everyone is just uncomfortable. Even your Nan could tell that he's trying and failing to be 'the funny one.' Even your Nan.
When life gives you lemons, just say f... it and bail
The most important challenge of any episode is the immunity challenge. If you win it then you are immune from being voted out.
In the history of Survivor as a franchise, no one has ever quit during an Immunity challenge unless it was due to a medical issue beyond their control. That was of course until Survivor NZ came along.
On Monday night's episode we had not one but two people voluntarily quit mid challenge for no other reason than that they just couldn't be bothered.
All they had to do was dig a hole in some sand and then crawl through it. This is a classic Survivor challenge. I've seen it on many previous American episodes. No matter what size someone was, everyone has always been able to do it, even the really big people. Not Jak and the cop though, nope.
Jak digs a hole once, slides under, and then decides he can't be bothered anymore.
The cop is even worse. He doesn't even bother digging a hole, he just takes one look and says 'nup'. For any criminals out there, this is good to know. If you're ever being chased by a member of the NZ police force, simply crawl under someone's fence. If they are anything like this cop they'll give on the spot and you'll be away laughing.