Andrew Gunn: Bill English's refresher in media training
SATIRE: Hi honey I'm home!
Bill! How was your week?
I can't recall.
What do you mean you can't recall?
I have no recollection of it.
Bill, I just asked you how your week went.
I don't have anything to add to what's already been said.
Okay let's start with Monday. How did Monday go?
Look that was a long time ago, I can't be expected to remember everything that happened.
Just a normal old day in the office then?
Well that's just speculation.
I understand it's speculation but I would imagine that you'd be the one person in a position to say whether that was true or not.
As I said, it's just speculation.
I know what's going on here, Bill. Those journalists have been asking you curly questions again, haven't they?
Well that's just their job.
I don't like it! It's not fair. John used to make this look easy!
Well why don't you ask John what he used to do when journalists asked him curly questions?
What did he say?
He couldn't recall.
Well, isn't that what you say?
Yes, but when he says it he just sounds so… relaxed.
Well you need to relax too. Let's practise with some questions on a subject you like: Prime Minister, what's the fiscal outlook for the next financial quarter?
Prime Minister, the people deserve an answer.
I don't want to answer.
We both know you're gagging to answer this, Bill, so come on: what's the fiscal outlook for the next financial quarter?
Okay let's try something else: how about that America's Cup?
The America's Cup is now New Zealand's Cup!
That's more like it!
It was awesome! I got up early! I put on my red socks! I took a selfie of me in my red socks and I put it on TwitterGram!
Just like my PR team said I should!
Well perhaps that's too much information…
Ask me another question about the America's Cup!
Can all New Zealanders be proud of our boys both on and off the water?
All New Zealanders can be proud of our boys both on and off the water!
That's it! That's the relatable Bill we all know and love!
I've got my mojo back! Hey, here's a funny dad-joke: I say I say I say, why shouldn't we tell Sting to get back together with his old band?
I don't know, why shouldn't we tell Sting to get back together with his old band?
Because that's a matter for the Police! Boom! A matter for the Police! Get it? Because the band –
Yes. Got it. Ha.
I feel so much better! Hey do we have plans for dinner?
Not as yet…
Then Bill's got this!
You don't mean –
Yes, the home-made pizzas are on me!
There's really no need –
No no, love, you just relax. Like John! Ha! See what I did there? Woohoo! I'm back in the game! Now where's the tinned pineapple…