Andrew Gunn: Memo to James Shaw from Green Party Comms Unit
SATIRE: MEMO to James Shaw from Green Party Comms Unit: Hi James! Here is the first draft of your speech for today. As things are a bit fluid we've given you several options so just use what you want. Let's do this! Er, no. Anyway here it is:
Good afternoon. It has been a turbulent week for the Greens but as the saying goes "crisis is opportunity riding on a dangerous wind" and we have certainly had some wind lately [pause for empathetic chuckles].
Although we are determined to be forward-focussed can I pay tribute to Metiria Turei. She has been a decent and hard-working leader and I'm sure I reflect the views of Green party members when I say she:
a) Has acted above reproach and been crucified by the media and various pale stale males
b) Has some serious questions to answer about exactly what she's been advocating lately
c) Is good-hearted and well-meaning but when it comes to political tactics couldn't organise an organic beer tasting in a craft brewery.
In the same vein I note with disappointment the departures of Kennedy Graham and David Clendon, both of whom:
a) have brought the party into disrepute and will not darken the Greens' door again
b) are well-respected MPs with a wealth of experience who took a stand on principle and for whom the door may yet be left open just a smidgeon.
Now it is time to set out the course that the party will take between now and election day in six weeks' time [yes really, six weeks, not a typo, just breathe]. I am determined to solidify the Greens' support in our core constituency, who are dedicated:
a) Former Alliance supporters and unionists concerned about the plight of the poor
b) Middle-class urban liberals put off by Labour [may need update!]
c) Environmental campaigners concerned that climate-change isn't getting much of a look-in and what's that about because, you know, "Green", the hint is in the name, right?
In light of this my first priority will be to make a whistle-stop tour around New Zealand to reach out to these typical ordinary supporters in:
a) Minimum-wage factories
b) Industrial-chic cafes
c) Off-grid fully-sustainable pesticide-free lifestyle blocks
There I will talk with rank and file Green party members over a:
d) Sausage roll and cup of Nescafe
e) Flat white and raspberry friand
f) Herbal tea and vegan nut ball
Following this I will be announcing a policy reset returning to the basics of what the Greens represent. Obviously I can't say much now but to give a flavour of what will appeal to our base this will include:
a) Lower fees
b) Artisan cheese
c) Lots more trees
We have a difficult task ahead of us but I am ready for the challenge and look forward to meeting with our people at Green headquarters on election night to share a:
a) DB Draught
b) Cheeky Hawkes Bay Shiraz
c) Moonshine pea-pod burgundy and the rest of the vegan nut balls.
I hope that clears things up for everyone, thank you and good afternoon.